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It happens to be D day of the month for the scary mosler examination again. However, this time, it is the infectious disease month where we will be assessed for our knowledge and competency in this area (or so i thought). So the story goes like this. while I am prepared for most of the common infectious cases in the hospital, I got a patient who is admitted to the hospital for having infection that causes him to have cough, shortness of breath and fever.

After I have gathered information and done examination on the patient, I discussed my case with the examiner. After giving few respiratory differential diagnoses, the examiner is actually waiting for me to give him some cardiovascular diagnoses instead, which I do not see it coming at all. Of course, being the most eloquent and prepared student I am, I stuttered and was not able to answer part of the questions. Perhaps I am not that prepared after all for I thought that the exam will be focused only on infectious diseases. Hence, I am told that I am incompetent (I accept that) for the knowledge part and so, I fail the mosler today.

"That feeling when you have not been sad for a really long time, and you feel really empty and pain in the inside when it hits you."

First of all, I do not even know how am I supposed to react. My "Windows 99" brain is practically still processing and interpreting everything that has just occurred. I come to realisation that I have not been sad for a really long time and it hits me pretty badly this time. Being a medical student, I am fully aware that I am going through the 5 stages of grief, namely the denial, anger, bargain, depression and acceptance stages. Well, the transition of the stages goes faster than I think it would be. To be honest, I restrict myself to be sad for few hours although I know that the recovery process should take a little bit longer than that only because it is useless to cry over spilt milk.

While I am on the verge of breaking down during depression stage, I remember the reason I barely weep all these years. It is the aftermath that I am mostly worried about for there tends to be small red spots appearing below my eyes each time when I cry since I am a child. As hideous as it sounds, the spots will only disappear after two to three days and I will have to make up explanations to people who question me about the hideous red spots.

"I like to pretend that everything's alright. Because when everybody else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget fora while that you're not."

Soon after the stages, I decide to tell my close group of friends about it before they hear the news from others and think that I am really really sad and depress to even tell them. Probably it is my nature for not wanting either of them to see me being sad which cause them to feel sad and sorry for me. Also, I do not want to be the one affecting the group from being happy for they pass their mosler and celebrate it. It definitely takes a while for me to gather myself and stay calm. Well, it is just a sad day but life goes on. Hopefully the day will get better tomorrow. Till then, au revoir!